The Corben

[deathboy]

He likes bubbles. Each perfect sphere is a universe he will crush with his powerful mandibles.

I have the tiny beast sleeping over this evening.

When you're up late, chugging redbull and hacking on a project that's late, there are few things better in the world than hearing your little one snuffling in his sleep in the back of your techno-cave.

If you wonder why parents are so fucking annoying in their constant bleating about how awesome being a parent is, it's because a) it makes you feel better than anything in the universe and b) evolution clearly favours encouragement of breeding. To put it the other way, those who, due to their genetic predisposition, actively discourage further breeding neither get to pass on their traits, nor do those who are easily swayed by such discouragement. The ones who prosper are both likely to proselytise and/or prone to be subject to encouragement.

Don't fucking blame me, blame Darwin.

I know I've gone on about the BabyDrugs before, the way a million years of neurochemistry rewards you for fulfilling the genetic imperative, but having Corben over and snoring peacefully in the back of the room fills me with a wonderful and infectious kind of happy.

It's like that wonderful lazy glow you get from a quarter of a really good pill.

Like when you're set to get absolutely loaded and the club kicks you out and you're forced to go home before you get so drunk that the badness kicks in and you meander home with a stupid smile on your face, seeing the shiny lights of the city through vazzed up eyes.

He wakes me up by slapping me in the face. Lovingly.

He starts off gentle, then, when he realises I'm actually awake, gives me a proper slap.

This pretty much characterises our relationship.

The way I treat him is that anything he does is OK, unless it might put him in proper danger.

This isn't without qualification: he must NOT leave the building we're in, or walk onto a road or path without me. Being hit by a car doesn't give you a chance to learn a lesson.

He has a funny scale of reaction to me and my tone of voice.

If he's interested in something, he largely ignores anything I say, or that anyone says.

I love that :) That's fine :)

I have formed the three laws of Corbonics, as follows:

1) Corben must protect his own existence, and must obey daddy when he sounds serious.

2) Corben may not injure another human being, unless it's funny, entertaining or they're a bully, unless this conflicts with the first law and, look, daddy is REALLY serious about this, stop it, his mom is going to complain.

3) Corben must obey any orders given to him by adults, except where such orders would conflict with the first or second laws, or it wasn't from daddy, or ignoring them would be hilarious, or there's something shiny over there, or daddy is a poopoo, or NYAR NYAR NYAR SLAP SLAP HAHAHAHAH DADDEEEE!

On a fundamental level, I don't think he should pay attention to my whims. If I want him to be interested in something, it should be because I've made it interesting, not because I've punished him into being alert when I say "jump".

If I put meaning into my voice, he listens, but tends not to obey. Again, I'm fine with this. He clearly acknowledges that I've said it, but generally, he doesn't obey. He's a kid. He wants to pull that thing off that plant. Or cat. The fact that we have to get home for 1:30 is not his priority, nor should it be.

If I either stamp my foot and drop my voice into total seriousness, or bark at him because of danger, he reacts immediately, freezes, looks for me, does what I asked.

That's perfect.

He's a perfectly disobedient, wilful, bright, explorative, confident little crazy bastard.

When he socialises with other kids, they push and poke and shove at him, and he doesn't notice or give half a fuck. His dad pushes and pokes and teases and bothers and tickles and coerces him all day, and he's learnt to interpret some of it as affection and the rest as an interruption to be politely ignored.

The look on the face of the bigger kids when they bash him and he laughs, shrugs and ignores them is sublime.

He barrels around the place and falls over. The other parents think I'm SCUM.

He belts round a corner, spins over onto the floor and whaps his head into the tiles.

The leader of the playgroup said to me "oh, oh, he just fell over" "yep, I know" "but he's rubbing at his head, I think he banged his head, look" "yep. he's fine." "yeah, but he's rubbing his head" "that's because his head hurts, he just bumped it" "but" "trust me, if he was badly hurt, you'd know."

Corben gets up (rubbing his head), grins, belts off after the bigger kids again, grinning.

I mean, seriously, he's a kid, he just fell over and hit his head. He's rubbing his head because it hurts. He's not bleeding, he's not wailing with pain and terror, because all that's wrong is that he's just bruised his head. This is perfectly normal for a day of being a kid.

He's not scared or hurt or anxious, because there's no need to be. He's fine. Kids are made of rubber. He knows that when he's really in trouble, mommy or daddy are there and getting hurt is NOT bad.

Getting bruised is something that happens. He gets up and grins and does it again and again because that's FINE.

This, here, now, being his dad, is the point where you get to form someone's reactions.

You can act on your own fears and anxieties, so when they fall, you swoop on them, fraught and anguished. At this point, kids trust the look on daddy's face more than their own pain receptors. If you say "dude, you're fine. come here, give daddy a cuddle. off you go!" then off they jolly well go, happy and feisty and full of excitement. If your pupils dilate and your eyebrows shoot up and your muscles tense and you scoop them up to save them from the horror of a scuffed knee, swamping them with "dear dear, babba, ohhhhhh, poor babba!" they look at their god, and their god looks scared, so fuck me, they're terrified! Something awful must have happened!

You've seen kids fall over, then look around to see if any adults are looking, THEN start sobbing?

Right.

The other parents think I'm a monster. They spend half their day chasing after their kids, who are playing in playgrounds with all the rough edges taken off, with soft landings for every fall, springs and cushions and slides and astroturf, horrified when their kid falls over their own feet and winds up in a heap on the padded floor.

My nipper is safe and sound, snoring in bed next to me, undemanding and content. His dad's near and tomorrow he can scare the shit out of me by swinging like a monkey on steel bars higher than I wish he'd climb on.

When he wakes up and gets bored that I'm not awake, too, or is hungry, he'll pat my face until I'm awake, then he'll start slapping me in the eyes with his tiny, evil little fists.

And I will wake up smiling and get the little bastard some breakfast, and we shall have a fucking marvelous time of it.

I go to sleep now, like a kid at christmas, waiting to wake up to him cackling like a psychopath, climbing on my head and kicking me in the nose with his tiny feet, demanding milk and Wheetos and choo-choo trains on the teevee, because there's absolutely no better way to wake up in the whole world, and I get to have this now, and a million more times before he gets too big :)

Comments

[darknessbeckons.livejournal.com]

Would be good if all parents were more like you dude!
Kids might actually learn something instead of being horrible little spoilt gits.....which i see far too many of at work....and dont get me wrong , its not the kids fault , its definitely the parents..
Having met Corben , when hailey was looking after him hes possibly the only kid ive ever met that doesnt run away and hide when i walk in a room and also not inclined to kick me in the shins(granted , i think nicktoons or something was on)
Your a genius!

[dragon-mintz.livejournal.com]

I hope and pray that I have the self-control to parent that way. I'm absolutely sure it's going to make for a hell of a kid :)

[mechanicaljack.livejournal.com]

With any luck, due to that parenting, even when he gets big, he'll recognize that you're a good parent and be an ace kid/teenager/preteen.

I don't much care for the overbearing parents. One of my best friends mom is like that with her. Overbearing that is. And she's 19 freaking years old.

I blame political correctness and fear-mongering.

[my-window-seat.livejournal.com]

Agreed with first commenter - I work with kids ALL THE TIME, and I can only WISH there were more parents out there like you - who understand the concept that a large fucking part of childhood - nay, of life itself - is in *taking* damage without *taking on* damage. The bubble-wrapped, pre-packed, sanitized childhoods that kids have now prepare them for NOTHING but being easy prey and life-long entitlement whores and victims. Let them find out that it's okay to explore, and sometimes it will sting - but it's damned exciting along the way. And Dads can have a sense of humor, and not all adults are the Last Word and Testament, except when they are and that's because GET OUT OF THAT STREET RIGHT GODDAMN NOW and god oh god yes thank god - I love you. I love you. Don't EVER do that again and I love you.

You're an awesome dad, Mr. Man.
Carry on.

[lexica510.livejournal.com]

On a fundamental level, I don't think he should pay attention to my whims. If I want him to be interested in something, it should be because I've made it interesting, not because I've punished him into being alert when I say "jump".

Apparently (she told me this later), when I was just learning to talk, my mother made a decision: If she told me to do something and I asked "why?" and she didn't have an answer, she had to back down.

The result was that because she never got in the habit of imposing her will on me "because I say so"/"because I'm the mom", I never got in the habit of rebelling against her.

When I was in high school, my friends were shocked by how much I'd share with her.

Me, on the phone to her on a summer evening: "Hey, Mom, we're going over to the Holiday Inn by the mall to sneak into their hot tub."

Mom: "Okay. Don't get arrested, don't get pregnant, don't catch any diseases. Be home before midnight. Love you, bozo."

Me: "Love you too."

The only time I got in trouble with her (other than stuff like slacking off and not raking the leaves like she'd told me to) was on "Ditch Day" when I was a junior in high school. She wasn't mad that I'd cut school; she was mad that I hadn't told her about it, so she was left flatfooted when the school phoned her. "If you'd told me about it up front, kid, I'd have lied like a trooper," she said. "As it is, you get to do detention." I learned a lesson on that one.

From the kid's perspective, I highly recommend the approach.

(And from the kid's perspective: dammit, if there are any medical screening exams you ought to be getting, get them so you don't die young, okay? Prostate exams suck but not as much as dying when your kid is 24 does.)

[darkwaver.livejournal.com]

This is the sweetest damned thing I've read in a long, long time *kisses for both of you*

[devalmont.livejournal.com]

You know what, dude? You sound like you're a fucking great dad.

[goodqueenmolly.livejournal.com]

Not that my opinion matters a jot, but that reads to me as a definition of a good dad

[synthclarion.livejournal.com]

THIS.

Fuck Dr. Spock, I propose that the new authoritative book on parenting be written by Angry Drunken Inappropriate Uncle Scott.

[sadistic-apollo.livejournal.com]

If I ever get around to spawning I'm going to do my best to raise the smartest bully ever.

[tar0r.livejournal.com]

Aww. Lovely post, made me smile :]

[gothicfreakgrrl.livejournal.com]

As a childcare professional, with social services experience, who has worked with kids for at least 10 years...I salute you. x

[poggs.livejournal.com]

Aww, that's wonderful!

[alixandrea.livejournal.com]

Aww. :-) I'm not the kind of person who really goes for kids and don't plan to have any myself, but your posts about Corben never fail to make me smile. And your thing about not making a big deal when he falls over etc? keirf (my ex-cousin-in-law and, more importantly, friend) and his wife do similar with their kids. I remember Keir's wife telling me that when her kids are ill and throwing up, she laughs at them to make them feel happier and more at ease, rather than being all worried and freaked out by it.

Corben's a good kid, and I think he's very lucky to have a dad who cares about him so much, in the way that you do. :-)

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

that's very heartening :)

I shall be getting my checkups... am already realising I need to curb various things so that I can last as long as I can for my son and wife.

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

heh, of course, man, thankya :)

[s0b.livejournal.com]

I refer you to my comments some months ago re: The Witches Hat

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

And wolves! :D

[mobculture.livejournal.com]

As others have said, I work with children & some of the parents I meet are so highly strung & nuts it's hilarious. My dad took this approach to parenting with me & my mum tried to impose her will on me but eventually it all straightened out, they let me make my mistakes & I learnt from them & moved on. My uncle on my dad's side was a nightmare with my cousins, he'd run around after them with a dustpan & brush, my aunt on my mum's side was totally the opposite. She rules her three daughters firmly but fairly & they're like her friends. Of course, children need authority at times but they don't need to be badgered every single second of every single day. You have to let them figure things out on their own.

When I worked in a school & got the joyful job of First Aid at lunchtimes I had tonnes of children coming up to me who'd bumped their head or fallen over & I told them they were fine & they just got on with it. There were the whiny few who wouldn't leave until I'd dabbed their wounds with wet cotton wool (what does that do, really?) & would moan & bitch about the whole thing when in reality there was nothing wrong. I find it hard not to laugh whenever a child does something funny that they shouldn't really be doing & sometimes when I'm telling them off I find myself wondering, Am I telling them not to do something because I don't want them to do it or because their parents/society wouldn't want them to do it? I have to remind myself that as long as they're not hurting themselves or anyone else it doesn't really matter if they want to draw over themselves with pen or make irritating noises... They're kids. That's what kids do.

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

iiiiiiiigzactlee. :)

[mobculture.livejournal.com]

Still don't know if I want one of my own though. Little fuckers. :D

[edwards.livejournal.com]

I am of this school, largely.

My ex was not of this school.

This is why she is an ex, and why my kids are so very unlike me at their ages ;)

[umbriel.livejournal.com]

Over here from Syn, this is a fantastic little post, and yet another tiny crowbar in the part of my brain that contains children.

My mother's approach was to look me over very carefully when I staggered into the house from the back yard, then tell me that no, I wasn't muddy enough, that I'd just have to go back out again. Admittedly I now get bored very easily and feel lazy if I'm not doing -something- interesting, but I don't think either of those traits are actually bad ones.

[nimstar.livejournal.com]

I get you re: the falling over thing. Maya's not quite at the running around stage but when she does tumble now she's learnt to say "uh oh" and just get back up and carry on. Like you, I don't bother myself unless she actually cries in pain, and in turn she (has yet!) to use it as an attention seeking ploy. Huzzah!

[chronovore.livejournal.com]

Prostate exams aren't nearly as bad as they used to be, either. Better safe than sorry, where sorry can also equal months or years of chemo.

You couldn't be more right on the tactic of not fawning over every scuffed knee. I don't know why other parents do that, and it bugs me when my kids' grandparents and uncles do that to our kids. It sets a strange precedent.