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something dark and shiny...
Jul. 3rd, 2001 07:47 pmThere's something dark and shiny,
Hiding deep inside my mind.
It wants to tear my insides out,
It's only being kind.
I wrote those lyrics a long while back, *metaphorically* at the time.
However, right this second, I really feel like they might be true in a very physical sense.
My head is fucking pounding. And on top of that, my thoughts are fucked.
My sleep's all shot to hell. I literally couldn't stay awake in the daytime. And now it's evening... well, of course, I'm just fucking waking up. The dreams I've been having have also been... odd.
And all this weirdness is not just while I have this headache that's coming on and going off.
Blink. Click. Blink. Click.
Fucking stop that.
I'm fairly certain that as you go through stages in your life where situations change, or you're *specifically* learning, like at uni / work, or when you're going through majorly fucked up times, your mind jumps along and changes in big ways. I don't think this is anything other than fucking obvious.
However, whenever it happens to me, I seem to get fucking *growing pains* in my mind. I don't mean my head, I mean my mind.
For a while, which has (in the past) proved to be anything from days to years, nothing makes sense, everything it fucked. And at the same time, everything's wonderful and I get these fucking epiphanies in which I fleetingly get a tiny little glance at the Bright Shining Light of What Is Actually Going On.
More often than not, though, I feel shit and want to kill stuff.
I've so very intensely bi-polar that it very literally hurts.
Such is me.
Anyway, now, given the TOTAL flux of my life, plus the stress that that's bringing on, and the effort / problem solving I've had to put in to try and keep it all running...
Add the fact that I'm getting back into hard, fast, pumping loud music to get the blood rushing, I'm reading a mixture of Lovecraft, Crowley and LaVey (to name but a few), and taking it all as some interesting point between bullshit and utter reality...
... well...
Let's just say that there definitely IS something in my head that I don't fucking understand, can't control, can only just about function alongside, and, yes, I think it's almost ready to come out.
I can't fucking wait.
I need anasthetic.
Hiding deep inside my mind.
It wants to tear my insides out,
It's only being kind.
I wrote those lyrics a long while back, *metaphorically* at the time.
However, right this second, I really feel like they might be true in a very physical sense.
My head is fucking pounding. And on top of that, my thoughts are fucked.
My sleep's all shot to hell. I literally couldn't stay awake in the daytime. And now it's evening... well, of course, I'm just fucking waking up. The dreams I've been having have also been... odd.
And all this weirdness is not just while I have this headache that's coming on and going off.
Blink. Click. Blink. Click.
Fucking stop that.
I'm fairly certain that as you go through stages in your life where situations change, or you're *specifically* learning, like at uni / work, or when you're going through majorly fucked up times, your mind jumps along and changes in big ways. I don't think this is anything other than fucking obvious.
However, whenever it happens to me, I seem to get fucking *growing pains* in my mind. I don't mean my head, I mean my mind.
For a while, which has (in the past) proved to be anything from days to years, nothing makes sense, everything it fucked. And at the same time, everything's wonderful and I get these fucking epiphanies in which I fleetingly get a tiny little glance at the Bright Shining Light of What Is Actually Going On.
More often than not, though, I feel shit and want to kill stuff.
I've so very intensely bi-polar that it very literally hurts.
Such is me.
Anyway, now, given the TOTAL flux of my life, plus the stress that that's bringing on, and the effort / problem solving I've had to put in to try and keep it all running...
Add the fact that I'm getting back into hard, fast, pumping loud music to get the blood rushing, I'm reading a mixture of Lovecraft, Crowley and LaVey (to name but a few), and taking it all as some interesting point between bullshit and utter reality...
... well...
Let's just say that there definitely IS something in my head that I don't fucking understand, can't control, can only just about function alongside, and, yes, I think it's almost ready to come out.
I can't fucking wait.
I need anasthetic.
