Fun weekend / low self image

Went to Full Tilt on friday with Ben ELR, spent a marvelous evening pointing and laughing at all the filthy goths and skate kiddies (yes, I appreciate the irony here, but it was fun anyhoo).

Caught myself in the mirror while dancing once or twice... pretty much destroyed any self-confidence I might have scrounged together of late.

Then, saturday, went to Torture Garden! Hurrah!

Because if being surrounded by absolutely fucking *gorgeous* human beings tightly clad in rubber / fetishwear isn't enough to make you want to cut your throat, I don't know what is.

Wonderful quote of the night (from Cat's mate that we went there with - not sure if it's original, but I adore the sentiment);

"I hate slim attractive people. They should be scarred and force-fed at birth."

heheheh.

'Spose it's a sign of some creeping maturity that I can have something like that happen (in the self-loathing stakes) and not let it ruin my weekend. As it is, I'm going to get some new clothes, get back on the working-out-a-bit plan and shut the fuck up.


Other things... I need a scanner.

Had a few things I wanted to scan this evening and wound up having to take photos with my fucking phone.

Hardly the highest res ever.

However, this is me when I was 18:



... I'm starting to wish I looked like that again... Although then I'd have to shave Jason...

And this is a sketch I did while idly roasting and mildly coming down today:

( doodle )

Which shows that I've let my sketching go to piss, and that I'm now far more computer centric than ever. Compared to the kind of thing I can do in Xara X when I put my mind to it...

( Citylife - deathboy )

... I need to get some natural drawing skills back again. Spose I just need to *do* it more. Which I shall, as there's something engrossingly therapeutic about just *doodling* for sheer pleasure.

Working on creative skills, unlike changing my eating or exercise habits is something I *can* manage. If I can't be beautiful on the outside, I shall endeavour to make things to try to reflect what small light I have inside.

Speaking of which, large thankya to Smogo for noticing that we got the following review in Terrorizer Magazine:

( 8/10... nice! )

Next: Trying to get Warren Ellis to listen to my CD and coming up with (and DRAWING) some new comic strips.

This heat's overclocking my brain...

Grrr.

I do NOT enjoy scrimping and saving every spare fucking K of heap space on the Nokia 7210.

Fucking poxy fucking stupid fucking small-fucking-heap phone.

You're making a game and suddenly you realise you might have to drop half the fucking level because the spacking phone doesn't have enough workspace to run since you added a few tiny little graphics, as it stores them internally in some kind of 'spuffy the wonder-cock' billion-bit colour depth format.

However, I just obfuscated the JAR and now I have an extra **20k** of ram free. That's a tenth of the total heap. SHOULD be just about enough to finish the damn game in the available ram.

I think this is a result of the obfuscator converting all function names to a handful of letters to make it harder to reverse engineer (although not much)... "doMyFunkyShit()" becomes "d()", etc. Through a big program this makes a lot of difference.

Spacking fucking language, cock-arsed shit-fucking poxy phone BASTARD.

This reminds me of going through playstation shit making everything into unions and bitfields, desperately trying to get 20k free, only to find that once the artists remembered to remove unused keyframe data from their anims, I suddenly had 200k free to play with.

Coding within constraints *can* be fun, but it can be fucking gutting, too.

gah.

</geek>

Left/right brain test thingy.

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