Grumpy

It's all well and good that ELR's forthcoming album kicks fucking arse.

Better yet, that ben and his filthy cohorts have, seemingly, managed to make the final hurdle without setting fire to each other.

However, in between listening to Faetal's demo and the ELR cd I had pressed into my grubby little hand last sunday, I am wondering seriously about how the next DeathBoy album's going to come out.

On the one hand, I've always said that I'd love to sound like Reznor, TRIED to sound like Reznor and wound up sounding like... well, me.

On the other, I don't know how much further I can stretch the now Patented DeathBoy PunkARave Breaks and Hatred before someone realises that I'm just PWEI ten years too fucking late.

It's not often that I have crises of musical conscience, and it's certainly alleviated by the recent stuff involving The Lads, where my own input has been based off the crashings of the filthy lot I am proud to call band members, but in terms of bar-risery, ELR are about to make people sit up and realise there's something foul and perfect right in their laps and that everyone else is, frankly, having a laugh.

Faetal are (and I can say this without wanking off the label - they're not on it) also kicking a non-fucking-trivial amount of anus.

I'm all hated out.

With some exceptions, my general, day-to-day life is slowly but surely becoming less fraught with periods of hatred and pain... by degrees, I'm realising just how much I have, no matter how ill-deserved. My friends and my liz make my times sparkle.

So I'm faced with the disconcerting concept of being... almost...

... *happy*.

God knows, I don't want to go back. I've lived days I don't know how I managed to scrabble through. Stuff has hit me, I've been hurt. I try to do my thing and get on, but it was always a part of me that at any moment I could be brought down to zero.

Now, I don't know.

I have my 'buff and the lads and I feel like enough people reckon I'm worth a toss that I can probably sort out anything that comes my way.

But knowing that... well, I spose I haven't really changed too much, because knowing that makes me realise just how far I would fall if I lost it.

I hate having something to lose.

I hate this feeling of maybe-good.

I hate this horribly sterile complacency.

But I'm fucking petrified of going back.

Please, fucking christ, let this be forever.


On the music... well. Either I'll sort my shit out... boxesoftricksandtraps was just how I wanted it, and that was just a few months back, so I'm not really a different man, or (no doubt) I'll deliberately trash my fucking life just to give me something to scream about. I'm not beyond that. I've done it before.

I can't help this sick feeling of admiration and hopelessness.

*ENVY*, I think you call it.

Observing something you can't help but admire, love, identify with and desire... yet know that everything about it means ... well, 'means "you ain't doing your shit, mister".


So. Let the days lap by. Wait for the next wave of hatred and depression, the next crest of bipolarity, and ride the fucker to it's end.

I don't want to be unhappy.

But somehow I feel less alive.

Nostalgia

Actually, while whining about stuff, I have to add that after a couple of weeks busting my arse finishing my current dayjob project, today was very chilled indeed, and I spent the majority of it pouring over my collection of Atari ST disk images, making a collection of the ones I wanted to stick on my GP32.

I wound up with a shortlist of about 100, which, at 800k a pop only filled up 80mb, leaving a good 48mb spare.

Amongst the joys of teenage nostalgic aceness are such things as Xenon II - Megablast, which plays fricking *perfectly*.

If you'd have told me I'd own a handheld unit, smaller than a gamegear, that had the power to *emulate* an Atari ST, when I were a lad, I'd have slapped your sausage and called you Mildred.

various lyrics, along the lines of "it's easier to dream in 16 colours" abound...

... A DYNAMITE!

Powertools

Someone nearby is drilling and/or cutting wood with a powersaw.

It says something that, over the sounds of the lads jamming (while waiting for me to get up properly), my first thought was genuinely "Cool... adam's found a patch that sounds like a drill!"

*shakes head*