crap crap crap crappedy fuckballs

You know when you're fucking furious about something, and want to be mad at the world, except that in actual fact, it's your own fault?

Kirsten is not arriving tomorrow.

She's FLYING tomorrow.

I booked a hotel and asked a friend to take corben on the wrong day, and i don't get to see her tomorrow.

It's like having christmas put back a day.

FUCKING PISS.

i'm an idiot, i should have remembered it was an overnight flight.

i have been more happy.

kick in the face

Whelp, today has been something of a loss.

I fucked up and Kirsten's actually coming thursday, not tomorrow. Mostly fixed by re-arranging hotel and asking lovely people if they could help me out on a different day.

Then I got told that for us to hit our deadlines, I have to work throughout christmas.

This is during the time i get to see kirsten, and while I will be looking after my son and travelling to and from my parents' in the midlands.

I'd just about taken that on the chin, when my housemate asks if he can talk for five minutes, to tell me that he's kicking me out.

In February. The start of February. This is during the time that our project will be finishing.

And yes, he can do that, as we have no contracts here, because it's run as a sort of rolling house-share for Polish folks who may not stay long, or may leave abruptly.

I figured there was a strange mood in the house, so I assume that everyone already knew, as it does get a bit us-and-them on the language and gossip front occasionally.

I was told that it's because his sister is moving over and he needs the room for her to give her a start, but I don't know if that's true. My guess is that they finally got sick of me.

So today has been quite extraordinarily bad.

For the first time in my adult life, I'm considering taking my parents up on their offer of going home to live with them, because I feel as though I can't stand on my own two feet any more.

It was already too much, I was already losing control, and this is now, categorically more than I can deal with.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this.

Second fucking christmas on the run, as well... people really want to STOP picking this time of year to make people homeless.

Jesus. I don't even feel suicidal. I just feel... numb.

I will turn this around. I don't currently know how.

improvement

am feeling better than earlier.

been talking to friends and kirsten, my folks and corben's mom about how things might work out and at least I seem to have a number of escape plans.

in the short term, there's a few properties slap bang in the middle of enfield that I'm going to try to look at *tomorrow* that suit perfectly. If I could absolutely sprint through the process, I could move before christmas and know that I'm coming back after seeing my folks, to my own place. Not hugely likely, but not impossible.

and kirsten will be helping me look, and my folks will make with the chequebook if needs be (finding a new deposit after christmas? just what I needed! ouch...)

So, yis. Things will fix. I may need some help though. cheers for all the kind words, already, it does perk me up :)