Peer into my murky crystal

SKRAAAA! GELFLING, YES?? LOOK AT IT, THE HORRIBLE GELFLING, COME TO DESTROY US, YESSS??

Oh. Oh, ok. It’s you, Kev. Come on in. Park your glutes, I’ll put the tea on.

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Aries: You find yourself possessed by the spirits of the dancers from Breakdance II (Electric Boogaloo). This causes all manner of involuntary body-popping throughout your week and while impressive in terms of athleticism and rhythm, it’s beginning to make your job as an undertaker extremely difficult. You pull off a really difficult head-spin on top of an urn and literally nobody in the procession will give you some skin. Your power animal is: Chaka Khan.

Taurus: A pelican makes off with your wrist-watch! You chase the blighter down the street until it becomes apparent that you have travelled through time and are now wandering around 1940s Kent. This is no problem! You immediately deploy your turn-of-the-century Kent Businessman disguise and are soon accepted into the local society. Disaster strikes when the pelican is revealed to be none other than… PROFESSOR MORIARTY! That conniving master-criminal has somehow engineered your demise across time and space! You have a quick word with him and suspiciously, it all turns out to be completely fine. Weird! Your power animal is: the Flux Capacitor.

Gemini: It’s not easy being a Constructicon and the stars know that things aren’t likely to be any different for you over the next few days. Half the time, you’re shovelling dirt and digging foundations for (evil) storage facilities, then suddenly you’re walking around, expected to engage Autobots in armed combat and wise-crack about their inferior capabilities. Then, to add insult to injury, just when you think you can sit down and have some ‘me time’, you’re expected to combine with four of your colleagues to form DEVASTATOR. You really can’t get any peace. Plus, you’ve been comfort-eating and all those energon calories are really starting to go to your thighs. Ho hum. Your power animal is: Luton Airport (which converts into a massive laser cannon).

Cancer: Love beckons this week! That’s right, brace yourself for a news-flash as this week, a whirlwind of romance enters your life as, on a business trip to Wales, you find yourself falling head-over-heels in love with the charming market town of Aberystwyth! Beware, though, as despite its promises, you soon come to believe your darling Aber might be batting its eyelashes at nearby Shrewsbury. The whore. Your power animal is: frustration.

Leo: Enough! To hell with reason, arm yourself to the teeth and go postal! The doorbell rings and it’s some dick selling you home insurance? Waste the fucker! You get to work and the secretary bitches about you being late? Smoke that mother! The boss wants to talk to you? HELL YEAH! YOU KINDA WANT TO TALK TO HIM, TOO! You storm in there, kick the door down and as the smoke starts to clear, growl the words you were born to utter: COMPLIMENTARY ANAL BEADS! On reflection, this didn’t play out the way you’d imagined. Your power animal is: GIN.

Virgo: Your body aches, life is one never-ending hang-over. Your clothes can stand up on their own and sufficient items in your fridge have achieved sentience as to make you responsible for genocide when you finally remembered to plug it back in. You are currently eating peanut butter out of a wok, using a Jacob’s cream cracker. Basically, everything is going according to plan. Your power animal is: some bees covered in marmalade.

Libra: Don your turnip helmet, for today, you are VEGETABLOR, THE GREEN AVENGER! All will fall before your mighty battle-leeks and weep. Your power animal is: David Cameron.

Scorpio: In your next life, you visit a hypnotist to find out information about your previous life. He will get you to remember back over thoughts of your life, until your birth, then keep going, back into the life before, the moments before death, every minute, every second, all you see and hear. You’re just getting to the bit where you read this line. This is that, NOW. That hypnotist is fucking GOOD. When you wake up, you’ll be in the future, but it will be the now to you, then. Your power animal is: lap-dancers.

Sagittarius: You keep having that dream again, lately. The one where you go to work, completely clothed. You wake up feeling sick, but sort of aroused. Your power animal is: the tetrahedron.

Capricorn: Finances are on your mind. Particularly, you notice that every time you spend more than £10 on your credit card, you wake up to find a small, ripe, delicious plum placed next to your bed. It doesn’t matter where you are, or if you sleep alone or surrounded by cameras it’s always the same. You’ve tried transferring money to your debit card and spending on that instead: no plums. You’ve taken out £9.99, then 1p: no plums. £10 or more, there’s always a plum. On holiday in Spain, you spend €11.77 and there it is. The plum. You have no idea how they find you or what motivates them to do this… or who THEY are, and where they get such delicious plums. Deep in their underground lair, they watch you on tiny monitors and peer through your expenses on glowing green terminals. Smiling. Waiting. Biding their plums. Your power animal is: financially-linked plum-receipt.

Aquarius: Now, of all times, is a bad moment to suddenly reveal your prejudice toward midgets. Just swallow, pay the little feller, pull on your jeans and let’s get the fuck out of here. Your power animal is: Basingstoke.

Pisces: On passing through a local cyber-gypsy commune, you decide to get your elbows fitted with USB ports. This is hugely convenient for recharging your phone, but a little annoying when your friends keep asking if they can borrow your elbow when their iPad runs out of charge at the coffee shop. Inevitably, somebody at work decides to one-up you and gets Thunderbolt connectors installed in their nipples. Your power animal is: a discreetly-placed PCMCIA socket.

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Glad we got the whole “Gelfling” mixup out of the way there. Sorry about that. Old habit, you see, my mom’s half-Skeksis, and you know what it’s like.

Anyway, be lucky.