Life Imitates Jam

[deathboy]

Winners don't use cheese.

Comments

[sistercarrion.livejournal.com]

Let them eat cake (and other such puns)

It does lead to some brilliant quotes though.. "hardcore cheese users" and the "cheese task force" being two particularly memorable ones.

[smarriveurr.livejournal.com]

Oooh, and the marketing would be brilliant. "DARE to keep kids off Cheese".

Or they could do their own homage to those Frosted Mini-wheats commercials from the eighties...

"The adult in me has a craving for black tar heroin!" *whirl to child-version of speaker in oversized clothes* "But the kid in me is terrified of needles!"

[siani-hedgehog.livejournal.com]

someone REALLY needs to find some TV reports about this phenonemenon. i mean...
WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE SAMPLES??

[smarriveurr.livejournal.com]

Because it is snorted, teenagers do not realise they are taking such a lethal heroin-based drug.

Y'know what they used to call that?

Natural Selection in action.

[sarah-mum.livejournal.com]

Drugs: just say know.

[smarriveurr.livejournal.com]

Knowledge: The anti-dr-Oooh, man, pass the joint, wouldja?

[shadowofsummer.livejournal.com]

"Joss Ackland's Spunky Backpack."

[princealbert.livejournal.com]

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

of course, awesome :)

[barbedwirekiss.livejournal.com]

a special regional 'cheese task force' has been set up

A special regional 'cheese task force'!?!?!

If it wasn't for the fact that there are over a million hits on google for "cheese drug dallas" and Wikipedia has a listing for Cheese (recreational drug) I would've thought it was a wind-up.

[smarriveurr.livejournal.com]

Oh, sure, "cheese task force", you think it's all fun and games till the Roquefort SWAT team arrives to enforce their appellation d'origine contrôlée.

[barbedwirekiss.livejournal.com]

You can see where this is going. First people start casually using cheese drugs, like when they're at parties or just kicking back with friends. They'll start using the "soft cheese drugs" like "camembert" and "brie". But, without them really noticing, they'll progress on to harder "cheeses". After the brie comes Roquefort. They'll start showing the signs of addiction like not being able to pass the diary counter in the supermarket without stopping to try all the samples. Other signs are when they keep asking for extra cheese on top of their pasta in restaurants.

After time, they progress on to harder and harder cheeses like Emmental. Their persona changes; they become withdrawn only really perking up if they hear an advert for Cheesestrings, and may take to mugging school children for the cheese slices in their lunch boxes.

After time they slide down into that pit of degradation and despair until they become real addicts, regularly using hard cheese like Jarlsberg or Edam. By this time they have become hardened addicts showing real signs of intense addiction. Some poor souls even go as far as sniffing their own feet just to get some sort of cheesey hit. They'll have supplies of cheesy wotnots and quavers hidden in different locations. They'll think nothing of smearing those artificial cheese spreads thick on their toast. By now their cravings for cheese drive them to break into diaries. Some have even been known to kidnap cattle in the misguided belief that they can get their cheese that way.

Unfortunately, once they have got to this stage, then rehabilitation is extremely rare and your average hard cheese user usually ends up killing themselves, most likely by throwing themselves into the Cheddar Gorge.

[smarriveurr.livejournal.com]

I... I desperately want to reply to this with some equally witty quip, some list of "Signs your child is on Cheese" or something... but... I can't sully the pure raw WIN of that comment with tawdry imitation.

[barbedwirekiss.livejournal.com]

Ok. How about we start a "focus group" to highlight the dangers to parents that cheese poses to their children? First we must identify some of these tell tale signs that their child may be a cheese user. Here's a few for starters:

• Unlike most children who go to school and swap their packed lunches for other things, their child goes to school and swaps its lunch money for sandwiches in the hope that there's cheese in there.
  
• Their child may display odd waxy red stains on the skin or clothing from where they've been handling mini babybels
  
• Their child actually wants to go on the weekly food shop, and tends to hang around the dairy counter
  
• The teacher at school remarks on how, when other children are using Play-Doh at play time, their child uses a pack of Boursin.
  

Any more? :)

[smarriveurr.livejournal.com]

See, the babybel was totally where I was headed.

"Does your child scratch their arms or appear to shiver with cold whenever you eat Italian foods? Do you seem to run out of Parmesan at a suspicious rate? Have you found a small cache of round red wrappers in your child's room or pockets? Has your child ever offered to go on grocery runs, only to arrive hours late with nothing but dairy? Do you sometimes taste sawdust on your pasta (often "cut" into cheese to bulk it up)?

If you answered "yes" to two or more of these questions, chances are your child is on Cheese."

[sarah-mum.livejournal.com]

That's what the Dairylee parchuting cows are really pushing isn't it?

[deeteeuk.livejournal.com]

Sergeant Jeremy Liebbe said: 'To market heroin to kids, you've got to get rid of the needle because even the hardcore cheese users that we've identified and brought into custody have said "I wouldn't stick a needle in me to get high, but I'll snort it up my nose".

That paragraph should never appear in a genuine news story. I'm off to staart hawking parmesan round the streets of Tunbridge Wells.

[smarriveurr.livejournal.com]

Yeah, drug marketing advice is probably not something with which a police officer should go on record.

"Now, see, for your 14-22 demographic, injections are out. Smoking and snorting are all the rage, and there's a sizable market for skin-permeables. Once you get into the late twenties, your average drug seeker is more willing to experiment on the 'cooler' drugs, seeking a more adult high, they'll want to separate themselves from the 'children', and nothing says 'sophisticated drug user' like a syringe..."

[stevek.livejournal.com]

Brings a new meaning to the term smoked cheese!

[https://users.livejournal.com/-leet-/]

It's just too much like something out of Brasseye.... Kind of like this:

[numb3r-5ev3n.livejournal.com]

Oh, that again...I can't imagine what's going through these kids' heads.

DEALER: "This stuff has killed fifteen people and counting, so far."

TEEN: "HOOK ME UP, MAN!"

[hairyears.livejournal.com]

Wow, there's a shock... Dealers with a teenage clientele have been boosting return sales on cannabis with a judicious cut of heroin for decades. The shock being that local police in Dallas have never heard of that. Nor, apparently, of brown heroin, which is cheap enough to cook up or even snort directly: only the financially-desperate and the terminally-addicted need to inject it to get a high.

Which is another way of saying that getting high on heroin's cheaper than a night on the beer in your town. Whatever enforcement action the authorities think they are taking, there are no supply problems whatsoever.

Best stick to jokes. Or wait 'til someone reports that honest-to-goodness Cheddar, Brie and Ementhal face plummeting sales in Dallas... Or even legislative action forbidding their sale to under-21's.

[deerfold.livejournal.com]

Kids'll do anything for dairylea.