(no subject)

Ah, fucking hell.

Fucking hell.

I just got back from Corben's birthday party - it's not quite his birthday yet (April 2nd), but he had a joint party with a lad a few weeks older, so they put the date between the two.

I didn't go well. I'm shaking and finding it quite hard to breathe at the moment.

I'd originally said to Liz that I didn't feel very comfortable about going, mostly because her friends will have spent the last six months hearing relatively unpleasant things about me from her, during / post break-up. Corben's too young for it to matter to him, he's just going to be running around, throwing cake at things and squealing, so I decided I would just take him out on my own one of the days to do something nice with him. Liz calmed me down a bit and said that I should try to come, for myself more than for Corben, to see him enjoying his birthday, that made sense, so I agreed to go.

It was quite intense on its own, a wall of sound from a room packed with shrieking kids. I love Corben and all, but that's around the seventh layer of hell for me.

And then I realise that Liz's boyfriend is there, in fact, as I arrive, he walks up, says hi, picks up Corben and walks off with him, to get him food from the buffet.

My chest tightened up and I found it hard to say anything, so I sat down and tried to just deal with it. I like Liz's bloke, he seems a really decent guy, stable and relaxed. You don't get to pick your ex's new partners, but he's pretty cool.

However, my reaction to seeing him picking my son up and walk away with him has only just started to boil down. On a cellular level, I wanted to grab him by the throat and smash his head against the wall while screaming TAKE YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF MY SON.

I still do. My knuckles have itched all the way home. I'm totally flushed with fight-or-flight reflex chemicals.

Obviously, the last thing I want in the world would be to get into a scuffle - I can't think of anything more toxic to keeping a working relationship with Liz. I didn't really know what to do, so I parked my arse and tried to just watch Corben having a nice time.

Apart from one woman that I know reasonably well, I didn't know the other parents and they largely ignored me. I assume just because they didn't really know me either, rather than any sort of malice - if I wasn't feeling so rubbish, I would have put on a smile and introduced myself a bit, but I felt like if I spoke to anyone, it would be obvious how stressed I felt and I would look like a twat (and feel even worse), so I just sat and breathed a bit so I could spend a bit of time with Corben.

Next, on the other side of the room, I notice to some surprise that Kerry is here. Kerry grew up with both me and Liz, and having been close friends with us since childhood (she was present at Corben's birth), I found out that she'd been telling Liz to split up with me for the last couple of years. We're still sufficiently uncomfortable with each other that she seems to avoid making eye contact with me on the couple of occasions we've been in the same place. Given this, I was a little amazed that I wasn't at least told she'd be there.

So I'm sitting there, watching my son playing with his mom's boyfriend and someone who actively tried to screw with my life, in a room full of shrieking children, surrounded by strangers who all know each other and feeling like I'm having a panic attack.

In the end, I apologised to Liz and left after about 15 minutes. It was the absolute most I could handle. I feel like a total wanker, leaving my own kid's birthday party after 15 minutes, after Liz went out of her way to pick me up and give me a lift there. I don't know if I want to sob my eyes out, or start punching someone and not stop until they're a fine red mist. Both, really.

That was one of the most deeply unpleasant experiences I've had in my entire life. In the absence of information on how to act, I've sent Liz a text to explain that I was feeling emotional and that I'm sorry for not sticking around (no reply - I hope she's just busy and not upset) and I'm going to make myself a cup of tea. See if I can get my head into a state where I can work for the evening. Can barely think straight.

I'd like a do-over of today, please. I'm not happy with how it turned out.

a bit better

Well, that's a relief. Liz got back to me and didn't seem to be mad, just sad that I felt I couldn't stay.

I'd noticed that before I went, her feller and Kerry had disappeared, and assumed something was awry. Seems he noticed I was uncomfortable and nipped out to give me a bit of room - which was considerate - just that by then, I'd already reached the point where I knew I couldn't stick around.

At least folks aren't angry with one-another / me. I sent a little more of an explanation and my apologies. Maybe next time, we'll do things better.

I wish I wasn't so emotional sometimes. It'd be good to be able to just dial it down once in a while (without medication, I mean). I guess I'm not exploding like I used to when I was younger, at least, but it'd be good to be able to ride things like this out without turning into a big agitated ball of hurt.

Balls.