dream

[deathboy]

I dream very lucidly.

I only remember nightmares.

how histrionic of me: I only remember the things that make me wake up sweating and shaking.

I dream of running over hills, running away, flying and screaming, something unstoppable breaking through the walls, able to see me wherever I hide, turning round and smacking, beating, punching, incinerating, cutting and tearing.

wherever I look, overlaid on my vision, the face of this thing that's chasing.

it never stops. never falls. it slows down but keeps on coming.

so I can never stop. neverfall. neverfail. run, run, run, until the fucking sun comes up.

'cept it's always fucking evening.

run, run, run.

kick, piss, spit, fight, punch, kick, scream, RUN, RUN, RUN.

every night these days.

no respite.

wonderful landscapes...mostly snow... I get to be in the mountains, in the season, and I get to be shit on a board, belting down slopes, kick off my deck, running, screaming, flying, clawing, underground, picking coridoors, turning round and fighting, smashing the face out of my fear, then seeing it stop and come back...

RUN. RUN. RUN.

nothing stops this thing in my head.

RUN. RUN. RUN.

Never wake up

Comments

[bencurthoys.livejournal.com]

and how does the thing chasing you feel about this? get inside its head. why is it after you, and what's it going to do if it gets you?

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

it's a fear dream, dude.

none of that matters.

the construct doesn't have a motive or a personality, it's just a manifestation of my own anxieties and self-battering instincts that will never stop or slow or cease, and the fear that comes from knowing that every faltered step is time lost.

I can and have turned around and destroyed and killed the thing that's after me.

it only lasts a short while.

the piece of my head that is never satisfied is insatiable. it's what, in constructive life, drives me on, and it's the fear of failure that keeps me running.

within certain constraints, it's very healthy and perfectly understandable in evolutionary terms.

just petrifies the cack out of me when I sleep...

[markeris.livejournal.com]

"the construct doesn't have a motive or a personality, it's just a manifestation of my own anxieties and self-battering instincts "

I beleive this is what Mr. Curthoys was after discussing ;-)

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

I never took acid for the same reasons.

until I took so much of everything that I rattled, then I couldn't sense the difference it made other than the visual tracers.

didn't kill me.

but I swore I'd never do it.

that said, I make a point of doing things I swore i'd never do and not dying.

apparently, shrooms are a nice ramp-up to "acid proper"

[acidexia.livejournal.com]

Last time I did shrooms I ran after someone with a knife screaming "stop the curse!" You might not want to try those either, in other words.

[quercus.livejournal.com]

it never stops. never falls. it slows down but keeps on coming.

Wasp.

It wants you.

It wants your kitchen.

[markeris.livejournal.com]

As long as it doesn`t come with badgers.

[acidexia.livejournal.com]

Is the thing a part of yourself that you are afraid of facing?

[failed-bard.livejournal.com]

I have similar dreams, except that at a certain point I get fed up and decide to kill it, only can't, for whatever reason. Bullets don't work, it shrugs off the baseball bat, I suddenly punch like a girl, whatever.

wwm.

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

yeah. I get that a whole lot. :/