The Bottle

[deathboy]

I'm such a fucking turkey.

"Darling, you're not going to be impressed with this, but I'm out of booze and I'm off to the shops to get some more."

*liz grabs my leg*

"No. You don't. You DON'T."

"I do, honey, I'm out of booze, I'm not done with this remix yet, I need to finish things"

"So drink cola."

"That's not good enough, I need to get some more booze in."

"No you don't. There's that half a bottle of Bacardi."

"I drank it."

"And the half-bottle of vodka you bought?"

"I drank it."

"Well then, why did you buy a half-bottle?"

"Because I'm trying to drink less."

"So you don't need more vodka."

"I do. I really do."

Liz starts to cry.

"I'll see what I can do."

Mr Dickhead goes out for a cigarette and thinks about what he's done.

Mr Dickhead goes upstairs and finishes the remix without any more alcohol. And probably much better for the clear head, too.

I'm a prick. I have some really, really big problems.

But I never stop trying to fix them. And I fucking will. Just you fucking see.

And that stuff about loving having good people around me isn't just my loving the safety net, it's loving having people who care enough about me to give me a fucking talking-down once in a while.

I don't much like what I see reflected in other peoples' eyes these days.

I'm not going to fall back into the pit again.

Pin a fucking medal on me.

Remix sounds fucking fantastic, I might add. I'm nothing if not outrageously talented.

Christ, I need a cigarette.

Comments

[illdrinn.livejournal.com]

You have the will to change and that's the first hard step. You've got my support as always boyo.

[ophelia-is-dead.livejournal.com]

I'm a prick. I have some really, really big problems.

But I never stop trying to fix them. And I fucking will. Just you fucking see.

yeah, me too. it's never an easy battle, but you can always look at yourself and know you're trying harder thank most of the world.

[yaruar.livejournal.com]

You have a choice mate.

Choose to be a prick all your life or choose to live your life and allow your talents to fulfill their potential. And lets not forget choose to not fuck over the ones you love.

Don't be a george best.... wasted life is no life.

[faerieevenstar.livejournal.com]

As long as you're still trying to fix things, that's the start of the battle. You have people who love and care for you and will support you through anything. I know I'm just another face on the HellGay really nowadays but I fully support you and know you're a strong enough nut to do anything you want to do.

If you're ever struggling, remember Liz. If you can't do things for your own health, think of the other people you hurt by killing yourself with booze-a-hol. How would she cope if something happened to you because of drinking too much?

Keep strong. You can do this.

[kohai.livejournal.com]

This is terribly OT and I feel horrid for saying it, but I love your icon. Can I borrow it, with credit?

[faerieevenstar.livejournal.com]

Feel free to use it. I didn't make it. I can't remember where I found it. It's so cute isn't it? :D

[feuermaus.livejournal.com]

No point lecturing you about it - you're already pretty harsh on yourself. And besides, you know already what I/we'd say. (And I don't think you need the emotional psychobabble any more than I can be arsed to spout it ;)

What I will say is it *is* a choice, and you've just proved that you can do everything you need to do without alcohol. Feel proud of yourself for that :)

[deviantsaint.livejournal.com]

Hang in there man.

-DS

[megashrike.livejournal.com]

You've already become better, if you had a major serious bad motherfucker of a problem Liz's tears would have meant nothing compared to the vodka. And whilst you rant and rave you're a big soft teddybear deep down. In that special place.

[ed-dirt.livejournal.com]

yeah yeah, I wanna hear the remix.

[drcuriosity]

I'm glad you finished the remix without the booze.

Small steps, man, but at least you're pointed in the right direction. That's a good start.

[spookyzo.livejournal.com]

hey honey- you know if you want help- we can get together and talk it through- the fella will have lots to tell when he gets back- and hes mentioned a coupla books that hes read that might help you.

[dj-alexander.livejournal.com]

I never understood drinking at home. Going out, sure. But at home? What's the point?

[godgirl.livejournal.com]

in there lies the lack of understanding of how different people deal with different issues in their lives - some hide away reclusively avoiding social contact, some turn to public hedonism, some drug themselves to oblivion, some drink to feel less uncertain.

its not a matter of drinking as a social pursuit, its a means of self-medicating.

and realising that if the self-medicating isn't working, then anther treatment is called for.

the admission and realisation are important steps to finding ways out of the pit - but support, empathy, respect, understanding and forgiveness are crucial too.

just because something seems insurmountable doesn't mean that we shouldn't sometimes make an attempt for the summit.

[dj-alexander.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the info Marge. I was completely unaware about the other people in the world. It's really opened my eyes.

[reddragdiva]

I'm sure others will be sceptical and think you'll never manage to keep your eyes open to other people existing. But hang in there! We believe in you! If we exist.

[missjanette.livejournal.com]

love to you, homes.

so long as you keep trying to fix shit, you're moving forward. it counts for quite a bit, even if you're not able to fix the shit right away.

[danblood.livejournal.com]

so .. you had someone to stop you going after more booze, got a kick ass remix.. and you're unhappy about it?

if the world had more crying girls (without being completely emo) more things would get fixed. i may have to run away from feminists now, but hey, good stuff about the remix.

[robo-toda.livejournal.com]

I've sat at my keyboard for ages thinking of a comment to make here. Thing is, i've been in a similar sort of situation, and i know it hurts. Having said that, you're taking some very big and important steps at the minute, and if you need anything, you just have to ask.

[http://users.livejournal.com/pygmalion_/]

[5threplicant.livejournal.com]

/me sympathises.

If you need support in the form of someone throwing barely imaginative insults at you down messenger, you know where to come.

;)

[deeteeuk.livejournal.com]

This is going to sound really fucking stupid, but it works for me when I feel like I need a drink and want to do something.

Drink lots of tea. Fucking loads of it. I don't know why this works, but it does sometimes just take the edge off that need. Like I've said before man, you know where I am to talk about this particular brand of shit.

[http://users.livejournal.com/loucifer_/]

*squish* It's not easy. John has the same problem and there's times it makes me cry with worry and it frustrates me that I can't understand why he needs to drink.
He knows I'm there for him whatever, and I know Liz is there for you too.
I think sometimes I could do with being a little harder with him, it's hard to know what to do for the best...

Well done

[angryangeltoo.livejournal.com]

Don't give up :)

[thecunningbison.livejournal.com]

Love you man.

[kohai.livejournal.com]

/me hugs to Liz for giving it to you like you needed instead of just giving in

[-lexx.livejournal.com]

I couldn't bring myself to buy half bottle, it just doesn't make financial sense.

[godgirl.livejournal.com]

it becomes almost too easy to take for granted that people will be there. and take for granted that people will just learn to accept the unacceptable because they might not speak out.

they might simply, slowly, drift away....

keep trying, and keep going, and keep hoping and keep those people round you.

[craigclare.livejournal.com]

Dude
there's a book which i kinda recommend to everyone
it's not a self help book
swear
it's called: motivational interviewing preparing people for change
and it's basically a book for counsellors
have read it myself when a good friend of mine had a bad heroin habit
might be useful

remember the guilt is part of the cycle
you feel guilty so sometimes its easier to carry it on, easier to say fuck it i've done it now, goes for all addictions, smoking drinking, nun bashing etc