New track...

[deathboy]

.. but not.

New Track - But Not.

I dunno.

The hatred is REALLY FUCKING HARD AND DEEP INSIDE ME.

But the ability to sort it out.. express it.

Nope.

Lacking.

Missing.

'Been looking at myself recently.

Seen what you all think of me.

The comedy fucking fool.

I've been the happy dancing fucking jester for much much too long.

You all get to rip the shit out of me.

'Cept you never actually bother to come up and hug me or be nice to me.

You've had your fucking time.

You chose to rip the piss out of me.

Take pictures of me looking like a cunt.

Don't just flip me the bird - take a picture of you flipping me the bird and me smiling.

What, precisely is it you want?

Hmm?

I'm a cunt... sure... I *am* a cunt.

I'm worth shit. Sure. I AM worth shit.

I'm a FAT HANDED FUCKING TWAT.

Sure.

Get your fucking laughs in at my expense.

Tell you what.

I fucking HATE being called FAT.

I don't CARE that the whole "fat handed twat" thing was a 'joke'. I laughed because if I didn't, you'd all hate me.

Well, as it turns out, you don't like me so much anyway.

No Problem.

Fine.

Not A Fucking Issue.

I really CAN live without you ALL.

If there's anything to my music, it's based on knowing that I am worth nothing better than suicide.

What did you think "deathboy" meant.

I have an unhealthy obsession with suicide.

I FUCKING LOVE FUCKING DEATH.

I REALLY DO KNOW AND LOVE SUICIDE UBER FUCKING ALLES.

I spent several years believing that the best thing I could do for the world would be to top my sad fucking self.

I don't think any different now.

I just have a bigger audience.

This isn't "Scott throwing his toys out of the pram" this is Scott asking - "Why the FUCK do you have to be so fucking FOUL to me? EVERY FUCKING DAY?" Hmm?

Why is it the only response I get from people is amusing sarcasm?

I know I play along with it, but for fuck's sake... you didn't REALISE that I was being self-deprecatory because I just want you to fucking LIKE ME?

Fuck it,.

I've had a gut-full.

I will, as ever fucking proclaimed, proceed to make nasty sounds because I MAKE THIS SHIT BECAUSE I CAN'T **NOT**.

But I think I've given it long enough to see if people actually give a shit.

And yep, a few people do.

But the great fucking masses just plain like kicking the shit out of me when I'm down.

WHEN I'M DOWN IS ALL THE FUCKING TIME YOU WANKERS.

YOU KICK THE SHIT OUT OF A MAN WHO'S CONSTANTLY LIVING ON FUCKING ZERO.

The people I see and hug are the people I feel genuinely blessed to know and love. You make my life worth doing.

And so fucking what if I've got the arse on occasionally?

If I didn't hug you lots when I should have, I'm sorry. Given the chance, I *WILL*.

Those who make their fucking opinions of me.

Ah, well, bollocks to you.

I was too insecure. I wanted to impress. I meant to make you like me and I fucked up.

Thanks for the fucking time you gave me.

Back to the fucking grind.

Back to the fucking music.

Back to NOTHING ELSE FUCKING MATTERS EXCEPT ME.

Guilt Drip - DeathBoy - unfinished

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_gh0st_/]

dude i need your mobile or home number again as i lost it when my phone got nicked, email me or whatever pleeease asap: sadgoths@theelsinore.fsnet.co.uk

[ex-bison95.livejournal.com]

What the fuck?

+shrugs+ I only acted the way YOU acted towards me - I tried to be very careful about that.

I thought this comedy, jovial, jest, manly slap on back, manly strong firm gripping handshake, rip the piss out of each other, throw snide comments around, etc was the way we acted towards each other - sortof a big MANLY fuckfest, the way men are, never showing true feelings nor emotions whatsoever. If I'd have known you were a pussy like me I'd have acted the way I usually act.

Indeed there've been plenty of serious posts on my LJ in the past that have recieved "comical" remarks and demanded a seemingly comical retort. If I'd have known you'd be offended by it all I wouldn't have said it because you ARE a mate.


I DO know how you feel.


Because I feel the same way, because I am the same (heh, except you manage to "pull" and I don't get anywhere with the grrls ;])

You've accumulated the Jester's character over time because you lack the courage to be anything else; you lacked the courage to show your true self - someone that might not have as many friends or as much of a laugh as the comedian does. The jester makes people laugh, makes people smile. Smiling, laughing people like you more for makign them that way.

It's YOUR fault though, don't blame me! I'd guessed several times in the past you "disliked" it. Try to be more serious in the future and you'll be respected like a serious person is. If you act the fool so often don't expect to be treated any differently!


From now on make a stand; if we lay into you for something you hate then speak up; shout; make a scene. Tell us you hate it right from the start - don't let it propogate and become you because then nobody will know any different!

I'm laughed at because I'm fat, short, religious, moral, lazy, hungry, etc. In the beginning I used to join in the banter and give as good as I took - I never thought there'd be anything sinister behind it. Now I don't because I hated the disrespect. Once people realized I'd accept that disrespect they felt they could walk all over me. I'm a 92Kg highly cerebral individual - I ought to have de-facto respect; when I lose that through my own dealings with people I need not wonder whose at fault, it was me and me alone!

I'm rather emotional lately so don't take this all personally - I can't think straight what with my country being fucked over and out and so few people being able to do something about it or take a stand. I'm gonna fuck off out of LJ for a while (I HOPE!) it's not doing me nor anyone else any good being here - nobody pays attention to me anyways (or if they do they have a hard time showing it.)

"Oh god no, yet more war talk from that Arab"

--
Yaz
Irate

Re:

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

Ah, shut up, Yaz. I love you to bits, you muppet.

99% of the above not aimed at yourself.

You rule.

[ex-bison95.livejournal.com]

*smiles* :)

Wub yoo too.

As others see us

[bootpunk.livejournal.com]

I've been playing the drunken fool for a damn sight longer than I care to acknowledge.

I've been guilty of teasing you online before, but it's all good natured - and since you leveled with me I've kept me mouth shut, realising it wasn't funny.

You've got a rare talent, and meeting you irl has been one of the highlights of me swinging thru town these two weeks. I can't wait to see you live when I settle back this side of the pond.

Chin up. Don't let them grind you down.

Re: As others see us

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

Allo, matey.

Was very good indeed to meet you too, man - shame we were both too twatted at whitby to meet up for long, although that seems to be the theme of my whitby - not spending enough time with the people I actually give a shit about.

While I'm shite at turning up to the Dev or whatnot, greater efforts will be made, matey.

*hugs*

[theinnocence.livejournal.com]

hey, mate?

listen bro.
glad this shit pushes ya to make music and whatnot. and you can tell yourself all you want about "blah blah blah, you all ahte me blah blah blah" your sweeping gestures and what not.

but i know it's the sauce.
vodka is the clear devil!
this... i know.

i can't say anything that'll make you feel better except maybe.... i'm gonna have new hair soon which means more new "pictures" if you know what i mean.
does that give you a cheer you fucking wanker? if not, i'm gonna beata fucking smile ONTO you face.

as per usual. you wouldn't expect less from me.
;) i'm far from foul to you. and you are too cool to be mr "online talk to rosalie time" anymore, so i can't be foul let alone to you everyday, can i?

anyways, i got cher foul right chere!

eat that you brit twit!

[jinxvamp.livejournal.com]

bearing in mind i don't know you at all beyond reading your LJ for the last week or so, doing an online quiz by you and hearing your song that accompanied it, but:
from what i have seen most people do not like success. especially not well earnt success. to cover up their own inadequacies they will revile the successful ones, find a perceived weakness and pull at it until it becomes an actual weakness, etc. others will think that because you are successful in one part of your life then *everything else* you do must be a bed of roses for you, forgetting that you still have to live in this largely fucked up world with normal problems like everyone else. so they will not offer help when you need it because in their minds because of your success you don't need help/ the help they offer as unsuccessful people may not be good enough.
yes i know how sucky that is. and it really is just a theory, coming from someone who doesn't know you at all so don't take it to heart if it doesn't seem the right explanation of what is going on.
meanwhile an old lady once said to me "sometimes the best lesson in life is to learn when to ask for help and how to take the help offered". took me about 10 years to take notice of her.

Re:

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

yih. I think I need to spend a while actually being with the 'good' people and telling the ones that get me down where to fucking stick it.

Which I intend to do.

'preciated, though.

[jinxvamp.livejournal.com]

sounds like the best plan of action. go for it! your real friends will stand by you, no matter what you say/do.

[flatlineloki.livejournal.com]

<3

If you ever have a problem with anything that I say to you, be sure to tell me. I'd rather blatant honesty and us getting along *perfectly* instead of us seemingly getting along while you grit your teeth in a smile.

It's completely understandable that there are things that ppl call you that you don't like, and you want them to stop. Just say so kindly, and most will listen. If they don't, then bash in their head with a crowbar so their brains fall out . . . kindly. Then they'll listen.

Just remember, I <3 my Uber Family(TM) :)

---Justin K. // FlatLine/Loki

[tomvx.livejournal.com]

feel better, man- you know that i have absolutely no expectations of you other than to be yourself... and yes i realize that that means feeling utterly fucked from time to time- but hopefully those times are few and far between. creative people have extreme ups and downs, that's how this works, that's the trade off for having something to say that's worth relating too- something that the bubblegummers could never grasp and the nu-metalers try desperately to fake... hopefully you know that there are those of us out there that would do anything for you (even on short notice! hehe) because we care about what you have to say- but more importantly, we care about you.

***fuck i sound like a hippie. club a baby seal, burn the rainforest.***

seriously though man, you know if you need anything at all, just give us a call- or write an email- and we'll be happy to listen.

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

I was just talking to kissycat1000 earlier and we were talking about you. I know we don't get to see a lot of you, but I do feel that some how you and I clicked. Which was odd, but I like it and am grateful. I realised that you have a fair bit in common with my step-brother. You are both manic-depressive, both creative.

The thing you need to realise is you are fantastic. No, really. I'm very honoured to know you as a friend. I wish I had more time to spend visiting friends, coming to London and generally making an arse of myself. It will happen at some point, and I hope you'll want me to come and see you :) *hugs*

Re:

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

danke, matey.

yep, would be very ace indeed to see you... I need to stop making excuses and actually go *see* people I like spending time with.

This, hopefully, shall occur. :)

[jozafeen.livejournal.com]

And don't forget to add visiting the Sheffgoth Scum to your list - you've had enough bloody invitations!

I was a tad concerned about you at Whitby cos you didn't seem your usual self. Unfortunately I suffer reverse popstar syndrome and thought you might be too busy or something these days to fit in time for a natter. I'm a silly old fart like that!

Re:

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

bah... we shall rectify this when I visit :)

You know...

[lazrus-armagedn.livejournal.com]

...what I think of you...I don't need to say it online, I hope...not when I've said it to your face often enough

If it weren't for the state of my finances I'd come over and see you this weekend...I've been missing you like fuck, anyway...but I just can't afford it at the moment...Hopefully I'll have the car back soon and things can go back to normal again...like they used to be...

I don't know who's been giving you a hard time (apart from yourself that is), but you could do worse than re-read Bison's entry above.

It's true...if you let people think it's okay to treat you with disrespect, they will...

It's sad, but there it is: You behave like a decent human being...you set a good example by behaving with decency and not ripping their heads off when they're rude/snide/nasty...you turn the other cheek...you give people the opportunity to calm down, be less afraid, more themselves, chill becauase it's okay...they're safe with you...it's okay to be themselves as they really are...

And you know what they do?...They shit all over you.

I've learned this the hard way...(I've talked to you about my experiences in the past...you know where I'm coming from)

If you want respect, you gotta make it and take it.

Show good people the good side of you...that way you earn the respect of those people whose respect is worth something...

And to the rest you show them that it is not a good idea to fuck with you: Scorched earth/no prisoners/the unrestrained use of excessive force...

It works for me.

Make people afraid of you and when you let them in they know they are honoured...and everyone else is too shit scared to upset you...in case you rip their heads off and shit down their spines.

It's a crap state of affairs, but that's the way it is...in the past friends, lovers, family, complete strangers have all treated me like crap...and I've come back for more...

Well not any more.

So just stop acting the fool...Stop trying to impress people...Be yourself.

I didn't like you because of who you are when you're being the clown...I liked you because of who you are.

If you want more people to like you for who you are...Be yourself, not the clown...and anyone who treats you badly then can fuck off...before I have a word with them, never mind you.

Anyway...I've rambled on more than enough now...

Re: You know...

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

Oh, they _will_ be fucking afraid of me.

I can't be any more lonely than I currently am.

I'm going to come out of this with blood on my fucking teeth and zero friends.

And I'm looking forward to it.

Re: You know...

[lazrus-armagedn.livejournal.com]

>I can't be any more lonely than I currently am [...] I'm going to come out of this with blood on my fucking teeth and zero friends.



Why...what's going on?

I hope this doesn't include me...I can't think of anything I've done to hurt you you...If I have, I'm sorry.

Re: You know...

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

no, not you, matey.

'fact that you give enough of a toss to reply says volumes.

I've been far too 'nice'. As you said... try to be good to people because you understand them, love them and want them to love you and ... quelle suprise... they shit in your fucking face.

well, changeover time.

back to being the spiteful, vicious, gloves-the-fuck-off deathboy.

they won't know what fucking hit them.

Re: You know...

[lazrus-armagedn.livejournal.com]

Okay...Well, I'm here when you need me...

Just try not to go overboard...at least not without calling me first...I could do with indulging with some justified ultraviolence...

Re:

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

cheers, matey.... neh, 'don't think you've really ripped it out of me, mate. you've always been genuine 'n nice n that. I just have something of a problem with the world at the moment... heh.

[filthyrikky.livejournal.com]

These scene people eh ?

Perhaps you could join me in being a howard hughes type recluse in the countryside ? We can design a giant flying boat together and every couple of years clip each others tonenails. He he.

Joking aside. Should make an interesting song...but watch out for Paradise Lost fans calling it "crude" cos it has the "f" word innit and doesn't rattle on about the "Bewitching succubi of the night / solitude of the grave / I cascade into oblivion".

I made that last bit up. A Future in pretentio-goth awaits !

Re:

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

lol.

matey, you and I should get pissed together.

in a giant flying boat.

;)

Re:

[filthyrikky.livejournal.com]

A possiable location for one of these Exit clubs I hear about....?

Re:

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

heh... no, matey... after my initial outburst (you just hit a particularly raw nerve very precisely indeed... think of the things kids said to you at school that made you want out... that kind of thing), I have very much enjoyed your company.

I really *like* a caustic wit... I'm just a victim of my own attitude in allowing people to go too far before I blow my stack... something I'm going to redress.

And yep, I shall (in the unlikely event you offend me at an extinction-event-level) give you a heads-up before losing it.

As you say... mixing emotional people, etc, etc... it'll all end in tears!

[jasontheknight.livejournal.com]

Hey, you let me take those photos!

Seriously man, you know that any of the interplay between us two is just play, and that you're like a slightly strange brother to me ;) Maybe the sort that I'd keep locked in the cellar, but a brother all the same.

I hope you can get through this, because you don't sound like you're having a great time of it. I'll bring you a nice easter egg tomorrow, a SMIRNOFF easter egg, and we can get drunk and chill out, slag off the world and make good music that people WILL listen to

It'll all work out in the end mate, and not everyone's as bad as you think. You're right though, there should be no time given to naysayers and blatant piss-artists - it's time to concentrate on those that matter, and that applies to my outlook on life as well

Happy Easter!

[cyberpunkgrrl.livejournal.com]

I should hope that you know that I love you to fucking bits... I look up to you more than anything - I still remember when I met you in the turtle over a year ago and we spent the whole time standing outside crowded round your mp3 player listening to all your tracks... even then I knew I wanted to know you! - and you gave me that CD that I nearly wore out (thank god I have Net access now *grin*)
And I never get a chance to talk to you properly now, cos we;re both off doing our own things, so, when I finally get some fucking money, I am hauling my ass over to yours and imposing upon you for drinks and light-hearted banter... *grin*
Whether you like it or not.

;)

[hamsterhotep.livejournal.com]

Oi! Bloke!

*I* still give a shit as well, ya know.

If you have time in the future for an absolutely mad one in Wales, and feel like a weekend off, you know where I am. Seeing as I missed the whitby chaos, I feel that you should visit it upon the land of sheep and rain.

*hugs*

Hamst0r

chill..

[ex-froodtheh193.livejournal.com]

My neighbours hate you... I've been playing the new album TOOOO LOOOUUUDD!!!!

I like you 'cause you're a nice guy. Not 'cause you take sarcasm on the chin.

[untermensch.livejournal.com]

If I weren't afraid of getting in the way or coming across as a total fucking weirdo, I'd hug you every time I see you. You're great.

I see so much of me in you, yet I like you and hate me. Fucked up logic, innit?