The source of irritation

[deathboy]

Weird.

Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird.

I went to bed last night, kind of jumpy again because of band stuff, and I stayed awake too late reading, so I didn't get enough sleep anyway, and for once I HAD to get up at a decent time because I have to go and talk shite with a client today.

So, I did the old self hypnosis thing.

Pick three simple positive things I need to happen.

Repeat them in my head, mouthing the words, over and over and over.

It helps me go to sleep, and the words catch in my head and make me feel more positive the next day.

And all of this was going fine. I went to sleep.

I woke *up* in the night for some reason, and sure enough, felt quite groovy and also able to go back to sleep, which is a rarity.

Then... silly.. SILLY me.

I tried to curl up next to Liz.

I tried to stroke her hair while she was asleep.

Now, intellectually, I know that me doing this is just fucking with her as she sleeps.

And when she moans and turns away and moves to the other side of the bed it's just her trying to move away from the source of irritation.

But emotionally, it doesn't matter that this happens the same every single night... or at least every night that I stupidly try to cuddle up to her... I still feel crushed.

Years and years and YEARS of this has taken it's toll.

I feel her revulsion.

I feel her disgust.

I know instantly and with every fibre of me how sickening and repulsive I am that even the person that chooses to live with me can't abide my touch.

I try and fail to go back to sleep.

When I manage, the dreams turn to nightmares.

Anxiety dreams and the like... the itch I can't fucking scratch... I'm (in reality) clenching my teeth so hard that I dream they're falling out. I wake up with my mouth hurting because I'm grinding them so hard. My back aches from the tension in my shoulders. I feel like I've been in a fight.

I wake up feeling horrific and resentful.

I *know* she doesn't do this deliberately.

Except that once I've told her about all of this.

And she made an effort to stop it.

And it worked perfectly.

I cuddled up to her, she cuddled up to me.

I was wanted.

It felt *Wonderful*.

For two weeks.

It's always for two weeks.

Whenever there's a problem, and I am stupid enough to tell her about it it's always better for two weeks.

Then she goes back to normal.

And I get a bit more broken.

So I wake up, knowing I'm loathesome.

And she, whether at random, or sensing how upset I am, or just purely to totally fuck with me, wants to be nice and cuddle me and kiss me.

I recoil from her... this isn't right... I don't understand this.

WHY does she want to give me affection?

I feel so scared I want to be sick.

I'm the dog that's waiting to be kicked.

I'm the source of irritation.

I'm slowly but surely being taught to hate myself AND her because of my inability to cope with a life in which I am never, not for one single day, EVER made to feel like I am worth more than a kick in the teeth, a brick through the face, nailgunning to the wall and spitting on and set fire to.

I know I deserve it.

But I don't know what it's going to do to me.

The worst thing of all is that in review, this is the kind of thing I write at 3am, drunk on vodka and lonely after an altercation.

There's been no row, although I *am* lonely as all hell. With her in the next room, waiting to be all nice to me... Now.

And it's 11am.

And I'm stone cold sober.

Well fuck this.

I have things to do, and I'm getting a really big reason to make sure I can crash on and have some fucking fun with my life.

So this isn't going to continue happenning.

This is going to stop.

And soon.

FUCK this.

Comments

[ladyelf.livejournal.com]

Awwwww...nooo. Hunnnnyyyyy...I love you. I'm so sorry to hear this. *hugs* If you want to talk them I'm always about. *hugs you tightly*

[oh-so-british.livejournal.com]

Babe, call me okay. We'll meet, go over what we've talked about before, but this time you won't be drunk and you may just remember some of what is said.

*hugs*

[mofette.livejournal.com]

I had the same problem with the turning away.

I would try to hug Zell, and he'd get irritated and turn away. I'd get upset with this, and it'd make me depressed.

One time, I cried because he'd rolled over to where I was sleeping while I'd been in the next room crying about this, and it woke him up. He couldn't deal with the fact that I was crying about something he'd done in his sleep.

Now I know I must've repulsed him.

I know it's not much help, but sleep is something you have no control over, and I know she loves you very much. I felt exactly how you do. No emotion, no feelings towards me. But then I stepped back and looked at all the little things. Read my list of the things I loved about Zell, then think of your own. I'm sure there's a lot more than you imagine about Liz. Please, never give up. I did, now look at me.

Thinking of you guys

[jasontheknight.livejournal.com]

Yeah I've had the same thing with numerous girlfriends, although most freshly in the mind was she who shall not be named. It's never nice. I always used to imagine it'd turn out like those lovey dovey scenes in Hollywood films, where the girl would moan in her sleep and absentmindedly cuddle you back, but it never seemed to work like that ever. At least they're asleep or half asleep though. The problem is when they do it when they're awake!

Don't worry dude, we'll just make a lot of noise tonight to get it out of your system.

[hexadb.livejournal.com]

I experience it from the other side - I get really irritable sometimes and can't bear to be touched or close to anyone. It's worse at the moment as the heat and tiredness aggravates things.
I guess you just have to keep reminding youself that it's not because of you, it's just a sort of claustrophobic thing

[lizb.livejournal.com]

still feels like rejection though...

guess you have to just grin and bear it & remember that they are not deliberately being a shit to you and you'll get cuddles at other times.... ;)

[needler.livejournal.com]

Scott

I beleave in you,please beleave in yourself.
Look around you and see how many friends you have and on top of your friends the fans of you and your music.Your none of the things that you think you are thats negative...all I can see in you is strength and possitive..I dont value people who are not possitive and I value you!

I have been through all this turning away thing,i didnt try and I walked away.I now try so hard and I hold and am held in return.
If its worth working at work at it.

Your cared about look arounds you.
The Needler has spoken!
x

[allezbleu.livejournal.com]

silly puppy, WF luvvs you.
I get in a really bad mood when im touched when im asleep, this is only because i dont *get* enough sleep nowadays, and tbh when i try and hug the boy in his sleep he turns away too.
I know its a hard pill to take, but try not to take it personally.

*huge hugs*

Don't worry be happy

[davethehat.livejournal.com]

Well all i can say is i'vee been guilty of doing this some times but then i think its to do with the fact that i've kind of got used to having my own space in bed. And it takes a lot of getting use to with someone curled up next to you personally i normally move because i'm too hot. Not because i don't love them. Sometimes i can sleed with someone curled up with me and sometimes i can't i guess its just one of those weird fact of life mate.
O and to cheer you up even more cheryl does not life your music but don't expect me to stop trying to get a relationship with her. we're good freinds at the moment and i plan to always have that and i need to keep reminding myself to take things slow even though i can categorically say that I love her and am in totally love with her. She's one of the few people who gets me, can read me like a book and can see straight through any masks i might be wearing at the time to cover up how i'm feeling. Anyways take care matey and as a wise man one said dave to is human to forgive is insanity

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

What everyone else said, yeah.

Plus, just say you're in a weird mood, then go out and distract yourself for a bit. Come back when you're all happy and smiley and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about. But trust me it's not stupid - it's just about facing up to these stupid emotions and not letting them control you so comlpetely that it impinges on your life. :)

[dua.livejournal.com]

I know I do this, and I know how horrible it is for wehmuth when I do. But that doesn't mean I don't completely love him with all of my being, just like I'm sure Liz does you.

And as for her being able to not move away for two weeks, that's probably because, when someone wants you to do something in your sleep, it takes effort. You almost have to try to keep a bit of yourself conscious all the time, so that your subconscious fuckoffI'mtryingtosleep reaction dosen't kick in. And you can manage it for a while, but it is exhausting. So it's not that she doesn't want to curl up with you. It's just that she wants to be conscious for it so she can appreciate it more :-)

And just to add my voice to the masses, you *are* great. So there. *hugs lots*

[(Anonymous)]

You are a CUNT, A BIG FAT HAIRY CUUUUUUNNNNTTTTT! It sickens me to hear my life long role model and older bro feeling so bad when you achieve so much in my eyes, on a daily basis you hate yourself as a way to get over the way you feel about things and maybe sometimes shit that you can't forgive yourself for. Well you complete twat, I and all of your adoring fans can forgive you (non more so than I). Here is a little background on the deathboy you guys know and luv. He tutored and protected me like a father pretty much until I went to uni, we are so close that we have matching tattoos because we never want to be apart too long, ok so the fucker never calls and he's well busy on average, but he is/was there and is largely resposible for the way I have turned out, good or bad I respect and look up to him for this. It's always been fucking hard for Deathboy to get to grips with the fact that he actually has the girl he wants and loves given the personal hate relationship he has with himself. Scott, don't ever forget how ace you are mate, Buff might make mistakes at the wrong time but it's to be expected, no one gets it right all the time, don't blame yourself, you can't help being soulfull and loving your girlfriend just like she can't help being a twat to you when she is asleep. To cut a long story short Deathboy is the fucking most god damn considerate bastard I have ever met, even down to taking the blame for his bird's short cummings, he is also a fucking genius and a great bloke in general as any of you who know him will agree. Don't be upset bruv, I still luv ya mate, and if it gets too hectic call me an I'll be down to see you and remind you of the good shit you have done an ting.
Missing you shit loads mate please don't stay away too long,sos for the gay post but sometimes you need to hear/see that shit from other people and I thought this might be one of those times.
Luv always an ting
Ryan(Deathbruv)Lamb

[flatlineloki.livejournal.com]

Don't take it peronsally man . . .

Cheer up, and be happy . . . although, you might want to get pissed the day of the gig so that you get even more angsty. Ehehe, I have to say god damn man . . . you rock.

I know self-loathing is a hard habit to break, it's something I struggle through myself. Just think of all the people that love you for who you are though . . . and if you ever need to talk, give me a yell. I'm always online (because I'm a pathetic SoB) . . . or, if you want to make an international phone call you could give me a call. Just give me an email and I'll reply with my number ;)