The source of irritation

[deathboy]

Weird.

Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird.

I went to bed last night, kind of jumpy again because of band stuff, and I stayed awake too late reading, so I didn't get enough sleep anyway, and for once I HAD to get up at a decent time because I have to go and talk shite with a client today.

So, I did the old self hypnosis thing.

Pick three simple positive things I need to happen.

Repeat them in my head, mouthing the words, over and over and over.

It helps me go to sleep, and the words catch in my head and make me feel more positive the next day.

And all of this was going fine. I went to sleep.

I woke *up* in the night for some reason, and sure enough, felt quite groovy and also able to go back to sleep, which is a rarity.

Then... silly.. SILLY me.

I tried to curl up next to Liz.

I tried to stroke her hair while she was asleep.

Now, intellectually, I know that me doing this is just fucking with her as she sleeps.

And when she moans and turns away and moves to the other side of the bed it's just her trying to move away from the source of irritation.

But emotionally, it doesn't matter that this happens the same every single night... or at least every night that I stupidly try to cuddle up to her... I still feel crushed.

Years and years and YEARS of this has taken it's toll.

I feel her revulsion.

I feel her disgust.

I know instantly and with every fibre of me how sickening and repulsive I am that even the person that chooses to live with me can't abide my touch.

I try and fail to go back to sleep.

When I manage, the dreams turn to nightmares.

Anxiety dreams and the like... the itch I can't fucking scratch... I'm (in reality) clenching my teeth so hard that I dream they're falling out. I wake up with my mouth hurting because I'm grinding them so hard. My back aches from the tension in my shoulders. I feel like I've been in a fight.

I wake up feeling horrific and resentful.

I *know* she doesn't do this deliberately.

Except that once I've told her about all of this.

And she made an effort to stop it.

And it worked perfectly.

I cuddled up to her, she cuddled up to me.

I was wanted.

It felt *Wonderful*.

For two weeks.

It's always for two weeks.

Whenever there's a problem, and I am stupid enough to tell her about it it's always better for two weeks.

Then she goes back to normal.

And I get a bit more broken.

So I wake up, knowing I'm loathesome.

And she, whether at random, or sensing how upset I am, or just purely to totally fuck with me, wants to be nice and cuddle me and kiss me.

I recoil from her... this isn't right... I don't understand this.

WHY does she want to give me affection?

I feel so scared I want to be sick.

I'm the dog that's waiting to be kicked.

I'm the source of irritation.

I'm slowly but surely being taught to hate myself AND her because of my inability to cope with a life in which I am never, not for one single day, EVER made to feel like I am worth more than a kick in the teeth, a brick through the face, nailgunning to the wall and spitting on and set fire to.

I know I deserve it.

But I don't know what it's going to do to me.

The worst thing of all is that in review, this is the kind of thing I write at 3am, drunk on vodka and lonely after an altercation.

There's been no row, although I *am* lonely as all hell. With her in the next room, waiting to be all nice to me... Now.

And it's 11am.

And I'm stone cold sober.

Well fuck this.

I have things to do, and I'm getting a really big reason to make sure I can crash on and have some fucking fun with my life.

So this isn't going to continue happenning.

This is going to stop.

And soon.

FUCK this.

Comments

[mofette.livejournal.com]

I had the same problem with the turning away.

I would try to hug Zell, and he'd get irritated and turn away. I'd get upset with this, and it'd make me depressed.

One time, I cried because he'd rolled over to where I was sleeping while I'd been in the next room crying about this, and it woke him up. He couldn't deal with the fact that I was crying about something he'd done in his sleep.

Now I know I must've repulsed him.

I know it's not much help, but sleep is something you have no control over, and I know she loves you very much. I felt exactly how you do. No emotion, no feelings towards me. But then I stepped back and looked at all the little things. Read my list of the things I loved about Zell, then think of your own. I'm sure there's a lot more than you imagine about Liz. Please, never give up. I did, now look at me.

Thinking of you guys