Stephen Segal - Lawman

[deathboy]

In terms of combining cheese and awesome, this could only be better if Chuck Norris started a fucking reality safari show on which he drove out into the plains of Africa and personally punched the faces off some lions.

I'm very much looking forward to Vin Diesel's forthcoming "The Wolf Wanker", in which it's revealed that during the shooting of XXX, Diesel was befriended a pack of Hollywood wolves and made an honorary member of their pack.

10 years later, the pack has fallen upon hard times and turned to prostitution and high-budget lupine pornography. The show follows Vin as he attempts to reconnect with and ultimately rehabilitate his former pack.

But first, he must infiltrate the set of their latest production and regain their confidence, the only way he knows how...

Comments

[mblanyon.livejournal.com]

Oi! I want that first draft on my desk by HALLOWEEN or I'm coming over with:

-Victorian stuffed Hedgepig
-My deceased grandmother's collection of butter papers and receipts for said butter packs
-Guaranteed Pygmy Ugly Stick
-An amphora on loan from the V&A half-filled with Peter Andre's tears
-A TS-101
-A KFC bargain bucket, empty except for bones and fat-pools
-a bag of plaster, alginate and soft soap for casting your turds

GET UP IT

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

I'd love to write a book, but I have great difficulty planning / getting started... once I have a framework of simply "what needs to be written", I'm quite good at twatting it out / refining it :)

Wanna help me brainstorm?

[mblanyon.livejournal.com]

Yes.

So....for the sake of 'storming, the working title is Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck (Why Everything Is Fucked).

This sounds to me a bit like the Wasteland Survival Guide in Fallout 3, expect not yet post-apocalypse.

So we could approach it as a ridiculous and sodomizing tribute to the holy-of-holies of bog-reading, John 'Lofty' Wiseman's 'SAS Survival Guide: How to survive in any situation, on land, air or sea'.

Except its for embittered cynical fucks like us.

Survival therefore-

well, you need Food don't you? And mose people don't engage with their food. They just pick it up from a shop what sells food. But drink is more interesting. Why we suffer at the endless circular dichotomy of drink being so evil-bad but we return like babe to tit incessantly.

But you do have to eat.

I think this is starting to spark up some structure of sorts.

This of course leads on to sexytime eventually, for which you require

Shelter.

And generally you fill your Shelter with plenty of useless shit. Therefore you can expunge on anything that contemporary life likes us to believe is useful.

Then generally we require

Warmth. Which can be interpreted as the most emotive of the three. How to survive School Discos, Intercourse on an Ice-Cold Gravestone whilst Fucked on White Lightning....then of course, the subject advances to Wield a Club: Your First Class-A Experience and the Inevitable Grope.

Out of this can spill the guts of a mighty Sith.

Your turn ;)

[deathboy.livejournal.com]

I came at this from a very different angle and thought "what can I write about quite painlessly?" - and came up with 20 things that are fucked:

1) The Internet
2) Society
3) Relationships
4) Children
5) Movies
6) Television
7) The media
8) Sex
9) The environment
10) Politics
11) My health
12) Pornography
13) Technology
14) The Economy
15) Housing
16) Music
17) Celebrities
18) Reality
19) Religion
20) Death

each of which, I'm sure I could bash out a few thousand words on.

While this isn't where you were going, I can imagine a synthesis in the form of explaining why we're already living in a post apocalyptic dystopia (how fucked everything is), how fucked up we all are, what you would probably need to survive, and how you're fucked because you probably don't have it or posses the wherewithal to obtain it.

Your turn, bingo-balls!

[mblanyon.livejournal.com]

Excellent. We have fusion. By maintaining throughout the narrative the dystopian viewpoint you describe, it maintains cohesion and sticky-fingered making-senseness. A central core of Cormac McCarthy discussing Deep Throat with Special Patrol Group, the hamster from the young ones, whilst the twitching corpse of Jean Baudrillard is repeatedly beaten with cricket bats by Paris Hilton's tampon.

I can envision footnotes and sidebars that could expand on and illustrate particular points. Footnotes fuck people off in narrative fiction but I think could work very well in this format. It could also take the snide up a notch (a footnote describing to the uneducated what CSS or web 2.0 are in withering phleghm-dripping Nathan Barley-baiting prose).

You missed out a few categories:

21) Art
22) Science
23) Philosophy
24) War

They may be more which I reserve the right to spunk at you.

I also like the idea of opening each topic with a quote. It gives it gravitas supposedly and can be wonderfully post-post-modern and witty.

Also, thinking simply in terms of girth and length, 20 chapters X 3,000 approx a pop, and *mmmpfff* you have a standard length novel.

[s0b.livejournal.com]

Just for the record - standard length novels are longer these days - usually >100,000 words - the important thing is to be able to fit the author's name sideways on the spine.

Your solution, obviously is to adopt very short nom de plumes

[mblanyon.livejournal.com]

I mean, seriously, this ground is RICH with FETID NUTRIENTS for MUTATING and STICKING BITS onto with HATE GLUE.

Work your magic on this, from the perspective of Jack's Smouldering Impotence.

http://www.essortment.com/hobbies/essentialsurviv_tvls.htm

[mobculture.livejournal.com]

That is amazing, I love Steven Seagal. Although he is much fatter & more orange these days.

[mobculture.livejournal.com]

I didn't even know he had them, but it all makes a lot of sense now.

[spiritualmonkey.livejournal.com]

COCKPUNCHER, THE MOVIE !
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